Ever wondered what hope, faith and courage have to do with Transitions? As I see it we need to employ all three of these principles to make it through a challenging transition successfully.  We have to hope that things will get better, have faith that we will make it through a tough or unsettling time and courage to have the where-with-all to walk through a dark passageway into the light. This has been the case with many of the life transitions I’ve weathered.  In my most recent one, I changed my job and moved at the same time. Talk about stress!  What was I thinking? I had to have hope that making these moves would improve the quality of my life. I had to believe that thrusting myself into new situations would be for the best. I had to have the courage to apply for a new job, go on interviews, give notice at my old firm, while at the same time finding a new house, securing a loan, packing and moving, in order to take the leap of faith necessary to do something different and push myself beyond my comfort zone.

I see this same pattern in the transitions friends, family and clients have made.  Friends of mine who lost their beloved dog a month ago went out and found a new canine companion to fill the hole in their hearts.  They had to have hope, faith and courage to make this happen. Another ended a relationship with a boyfriend, realizing that it was not serving her. She was hoping that she was making the right decision, had the faith necessary to take this step and the courage to actually set off on her own again. Others decided to move to a new area because the cost of living was too high in the Bay Area. They, too, had to employ hope, faith and courage to try a new place and leave the familiar behind.

As I look back on the past 15 years, I can identify several times when we have done the same thing. When we moved to Santa Rosa at the end of 2016, we were in a financial crisis and found a way to get a reverse mortgage so we didn’t have to pay for a mortgage. We found new jobs and made new friends over the course of the two and a half years we lived there. For many reasons, it wasn’t the right move for us, and we came back to Marin County even though we didn’t think that would be possible. And even though things didn’t work out for us there, we employed hope, faith and courage to make the move there and the subsequent one home. In 2006 we moved from California to Colorado for similar reasons and found it not to be our place either. So in 2009 we came back to Marin for the first time. Each time we were told, “if you leave Marin, you won’t be able to come back.”  And each time we found a way to make the move back happen. Hope, Faith and Courage. Again and again, in times of great changes, we’ve employed these three principles and have seen how powerfully they work in our lives. How have you used hope, faith in courage in your life transitions? Please let us know by commenting below to share how these principles have worked for you.

 

So this last week I had a set back on my Transition Path.  These happen. I got in touch with some fear that I may have made a wrong decision. FEAR – False Evidence Appearing Real… When I’m lost in fear I can’t see clearly.  I get consumed with “what if’s” and I ruminate about how things are surely going to go awry. I’m definitely not in the present moment, which is usually an okay moment. Cognitive distortions, like “catastrophizing”, “all or nothing thinking” and “shoulding on myself”, cloud my vision and my thought process.  Not helpful.

Fear can turn quickly into depression, when I start to feel hopeless and can’t see a way out of my current dilemma. A few things happened to bring me to this juncture: I asked for help and was turned down several times last week.  I also found that things were not working out as I had planned or expected with a new venture. I had to call myself back from the brink of pushing the panic button. Whoa! What about practicing some of my transition tools? What happened to gratitude, letting go and acceptance? I had to remember that “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometime, you just might find, you get what you need,” to quote a Rolling Stones’ song.  I needed to believe that “this too shall pass.”

Here’s what happened: after several days of sitting in my slump, I made myself reach out and share how I was feeling, honestly and transparently.  I tried not to worry about looking good or all recovered. Even after celebrating 31 years of continuous sobriety today, I can’t expect myself to have it all together all the time.  That’s just not realistic.  I also realized that even though I asked for help there were no guarantees that I’d get it. It wasn’t the end of the world.  And then I had a brainstorm: nothing in my circumstances is irreversible.  I can give my new situation some time and then make a decision several months from now to reverse direction or choose a different path.  I don’t have to play into the victim role these days.

Now, several days later, I’m in an entirely different place in my journey. I am hopeful again. Next week I’ll begin to write about hope, faith and courage, three more principles of recovery.  If you like what you’re reading, you can sign up now to get on my mailing list and receive these weekly posts directly in your email inbox. Just enter your email address and press “Subscribe”.  Please also feel free to pass these posts on to others you feel might benefit.  I am writing with a female audience in mind, but I have heard some men say they’ve gotten something out of my posts. I’m all for that!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Along with Letting Go, another key to a smooth and successful transition is Forgiveness. Perhaps it’s not immediately clear how forgiveness relates to transition. I have found that holding onto resentments and anger at another, or even at myself, makes moving through a transition to the other side that much more harrowing. When I am embroiled in resentment, I have definitely not let go, in any way, shape or form. I am stuck in the quicksand of needing to be right. And, consequently, needing the other person to be wrong. Resentment is a poison I ingest, that does me far more harm than it does the person who has offended me. We hang onto and nurture our resentments for many reasons. First, anger can feel good; powerful, even, on some level. Secondly, my pride and my ego won’t allow me to let go of a deeply held belief or mindset, because if I admit that my enemy might be right, it threatens the delicate and precarious foundation of my ego and my separate sense of self.

I have held onto some resentments for years, stoking the fire in my belly with all the wrongdoings I imagine that were done to me. I stay emotionally and spiritually stunted in my growth this way. I didn’t speak to one close friend for 16 years after a disagreement we had in 2001. It took my brother’s death to bring us back together. We both realized how precious this life is and how quickly it can all be taken away. That realization softened and opened our hearts to forgiveness. Our argument felt petty then, and so not worth all the years we wasted being angry with each other. Forgiveness is a balm, much like acceptance and letting go. It eases our pain and soothes our soul and frees us up to love again.

However, like acceptance and letting go, it doesn’t come naturally to us. We have to work at it — to consciously make a decision to think and feel differently. Oh how my pride loves to hold a grudge! It feels so much more comfortable to stay locked in a place of resentment and anger than to admit I might be wrong, or at the very least, “they” might be right. I once was at a commencement where the speaker talked of the three most important words in the English language. Not “I love you,” not “And in conclusion,” but rather “Maybe you’re right.” Three little words that start the journey to forgiveness. In my view, saying “I forgive you” takes a tremendous amount of humility and courage. Transitions can be hard enough without adding the extra impediment of self-righteous indignation to the mix. Suddenly we are free to move on, unencumbered by our preconceived notions of blame. What a gift we give ourselves and others when we truly embrace forgiveness.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about endings, as I wrap up my time at a job I’ve been doing for three years, say good bye to clients and colleagues who are dear to me, and pack up my books and belongings once again. Endings necessitate letting go, another key transition tool. This is easier said than done, of course. Letting go takes practice. Lots of practice. It’s a skill much like forgiveness. Our very humanness, our pride and ego, gets in the way.

I saw a beautiful movie Saturday night: “The Art of Racing in the Rain”. It was about the life of a special dog named Enzo, and his human companions. The story was told charmingly from his point of view. In the movie, there were several poignant scenes in which the act of letting go needed to take place. The more attached to something or someone we are, the harder it is to let go. The next day, while basking in the warm and touching afterglow of the movie, I thought about my beloved brother Alan, who died unexpectedly two years ago. I have had such a hard time with letting go, even after this amount of time. There are days when I just need guidance from my older brother, and I wish I could pick up the phone and speak to him or see him again. Monday I learned that dear friends of mine just lost their darling canine companion who was more like a person than a dog. Words fall short in situations like these.

At times we are called to let go of a treasured person, place or thing or even of the situation turning out the way we want it to. Coping with loss is one of the hardest transitions I can think of. What helps me through these rough waters is the belief that calmer waters lie up ahead. And knowing that the passage of time is the great healer. But first, before I can let go I need to feel all my feelings fully — even the messy ones: Sadness, anger, guilt and shame. I need to drift in and out of these emotions, like eddies in a stream, circling back as many times as necessary. Until finally I just open my hands and let go — Let go of the need to control what isn’t mine to control. Let go of the outcome and of getting my way. We say, “Let Go and Let God” in 12 Step Circles. Giving these hard feelings to Spirit helps me to open my hands and trust that new beginnings lie ahead.

In the 12 Step World we talk a lot about an attitude of gratitude, the promises of the program and acceptance. These are all positive and worthy goals. To some, however, they may seem a little cloying or annoying, perhaps even simplistic and unrealistic. I can understand these reactions. When I’m in the midst of a difficult transition and dealing with life on life’s terms, I am often unlikely to look on the bright side. In fact, at times when I’m stuck in the quagmire of despair I can find it particularly frustrating when someone suggests I write a gratitude list, remember the promises or practice acceptance. Yet sometimes I can be resistant to the messages I most need to hear.

I’d like to focus today on Acceptance. In terms of transitions, acceptance is another powerful tool. I met with a friend today who has been dealing with incredible physical challenges for over 7 years. Through the years she has shown tremendous forbearance, courage and resilience. To me, she is the model of acceptance. She has had to make major changes in her lifestyle, and is no longer able to work. She endures excruciating physical pain yet always greets me with a sincere and loving smile. What’s her secret? I suspect it’s acceptance. This doesn’t mean that she doesn’t experience black moods or feel her fears in the middle of the night. Rather, she feels her fears and keeps on going in spite of them. She does what she can to find clever work-arounds to her situation and engages in the things she can do to live her life as fully as she can.

So what is acceptance? In my eyes, it’s not about giving up or forgiving whatever happens to us. Or even being happy and serene with a particular occurrence or outcome. Sometimes, frankly, things just don’t turn out the way we want them to. Instead, it is about letting things be what they are and as they are; recognizing the difference between what we have the power to change, and what’s beyond our control. When my mother died a decade ago, I had a hard time with this concept. Even though she’d lived a long and wonderful life, I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. But there was nothing in my power I could do to bring her back to this plane of existence. And though I grieved her viscerally, the passage of time and my realization that love never dies helped me to accept her passing. We read in The Big Book that “acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.” Putting this into practice, even in the hardest of transitions, makes my life livable and each transition a successful doorway to possibility and empowerment.

I was going to write about Acceptance next, as another transformative tool that can help us through challenging situations. But before I do that, I feel called to write about Gratitude. “Gratitude bestows reverence, changing forever how we experience life and the world,” John Milton said. I had a long conversation this week with a friend who is experiencing a painful and difficult transition. There’s been the excruciating loss of a beloved pet, a recent move back to her childhood home state, family issues that aren’t unfolding as she would hope, among other things. My heart went out to her. I felt her deep sadness and disappointment. As I listened to her, I kept thinking about a powerful magic potion that can instantly change the channel: an attitude of gratitude. Sometimes finding even the littlest thing to be grateful for can create a happier frame of mind. And all it takes is a pen and a piece of paper and a willingness to find the good.

One of my favorite authors, Rick Hanson, talks about humanity’s negative bias. This was a survival tool in prehistoric times, when the belief that there was a tiger in the bushes could save a life by eliciting our fight or flight response, even if it was a mistaken premise. He talks about how we have developed velcro brains for the bad stuff that happens and tephlon brains for the good things. In his book, “Hardwiring Happiness”, he shares how one can create new pathways in the brain by a mental process he terms “HEAL” standing for Have, Enrich, Absorb and Link. He says that “whatever we repeatedly sense, feel and believe makes real changes in our neural networks.”

I know from my own experience that it is not always easy to change the channel or even to find the darn remote! But I have also found that if I can just start thinking about and writing down some of my many blessings I am transported to a better state of being. As recently as May, I felt stuck in the Neutral Zone that William Bridges speaks of. I was battling the fear of financial insecurity, and not seeing a way out. Reaching out for help from a financial advisor, attending a women’s retreat on self-acceptance called “As You Are”, and changing my mind set to one of appreciation for what I do have, gave me an ability to see the presence of possibility where before there was none. It was this willingness to switch my perspective that turned things around. In the next few weeks I had found a new, and better paying job, much closer to home, and we got a seemingly impossible mortgage approval to buy our own house (something we had all but given up on). Thus gratitude started flowing effortlessly. And here’s a little secret I found: Gratitude breeds more gratitude.

Here’s my idea: I’m going to blog about Transition in segments. First, I’m going to cover how to deal with this potentially unsettling time with grace and a sense of humor. I want to introduce the idea of Mindfulness (being fully aware in the moment in a non-judgemental way) as one way to cope. Then I’m going to talk about the importance of radical self care. Next I’ll write about tools and strategies to get through life changes and stages plan-fully rather than painfully. These tools include acceptance, letting go and asking for help, among others. I’ll also speak about some transition traps, like fear, future tripping and wanting to move too quickly through the Neutral Zone to the New Beginning. I also plan to address special issues for women in transition, such as divorce, codependency and the aging process.

How we cope with Life’s Transitions depends on so many things: our perspectives, attitudes toward change, life experiences, personality types; The list could probably go on and on… I want to propose that how we hold and conceptualize this time has a great deal to do with how bumpy or smooth the ride will be. My experience is that the more I can stay in the moment, the more content I am and the easier the transition goes. If I’m mired in regret and longing for what I believe I’m losing, or focused on the future, wrestling with “what if’s” or what Mike Dooley calls “the cursed hows” I will miss the moment entirely. If I can stay firmly planted in the here and now I am so much more able to withstand the winds of change.

This, of course is not easy to do. Like any worthwhile practice, it takes a lot of practice! And this is where the art of Mindfulness comes in. I realize that this term has become the buzz word “du jour”. But I contend this is for good reason. I have found that being fully present, right here, right now is where my power lies. As Louise Hay says, “The point of power is NOW.” My most recent simultaneous transitions from a rental in Greenbrae to a condo we now own in Novato, and from a job as a therapist in a group practice in Sonoma County to one much closer to home, have taught me to employ the adage “one moment at a time”. I discovered that when I was obsessed with fears like those of financial insecurity, brought on by these recent changes, I was much less equipped to function effectively. This is not to say that I didn’t wallow in my fears from time to time. Believe me, I furnished that rut, curtains, rugs and all! But Mindfulness and 30 years of recovery have taught me, time and time again, that “This too shall pass”.

Transition: something that happens on the inside as change is happening on the outside. That feeling of dizzying disorientation when your whole world has shifted and you don’t quite know which end is up. Something we all go through, as our life happens to us, in stages and phases, at sign posts and turning points, again and again. Something ends, and before the new beginning shows up we go through a period of not knowing, where the next thing isn’t yet visible. What William Bridges has termed “The Neutral Zone”. It’s often an uncomfortable place to be. Yet it is so important to experience it fully, to let it transpire as it will, without rushing through to what lies ahead.

I am a psychotherapist, a 63 year old woman, a loving wife, a loyal friend, a devoted sister and aunt. I am embarking on a new adventure: A Blog I’m simply calling “Women in Transition” where I will be sharing my own transitions, meanderings and musings about this journey we call Life. I will be offering tips to make the journey go more smoothly, and commiserating when it doesn’t. I plan to bring in different perspectives and impart wisdom — my own and others’. I will examine our life changes and the transitions that accompany them with candor, integrity and a sense of humor. And as is the case with life itself, I don’t have a clear idea where it will go. More shall be revealed.

In the meantime, let me just tell you that I come to this endeavor quite legitimately. In the past 12 months I have moved twice and changed jobs twice as well. Some people fear change. I relish in the adventure. I welcome the Neutral Zone for I know what fertile ground it can be, ripe for metamorphosis. Sometimes we initiate our life changes and sometimes they happen to us. Each occurrence brings its own challenges and growth opportunities. As I unpack boxes and hang pictures once again, I am struck by how little in this life is in my control. Though I can control where I hang a picture, or what cabinet to put the dishes in, how things will turn out is a still mystery. I’ve been on my new job for a month and I’m still learning the intricacies of new protocols and systems. I have come to realize that I need to be patient and gentle with myself as I navigate the learning curve of a new work environment. I am stretching and growing on a daily basis, as I tackle new computer programs, meet new colleagues and introduce myself to new clients. Having gone through many changes in my 63 years I know that it’s just a matter of time before things begin to feel familiar again; before the ground beneath my feet feels stable again. This too shall pass. As the wonderful musical Fiddler on the Roof proclaims, “Sunrise, sunset; sunrise, sunset; Swiftly flow the years. One season following another, laden with happiness and tears.”